It’s hard to explain but I try…
There are times where my brain locks up before I can think clearly. The tears gather and my jaw tenses. I can feel my heart picking up and it takes me awhile before I can tell my whole body… woah.. slow down and let yourself think.
Within that time… before I can look at things logically there’s already this voice telling me I’ve done everything wrong. That I’ve messed things up and if I am not careful I’ll lose everything before me. That I am meant to feel all the pain and I deserve nothing but the empty feeling that’s slowly collapsing my chest and killing my spirit.
Within those couple minutes I have been convinced I deserve all the pain and misery. That guilt is the only thing I deserve in this world of anxiety. Which then triggers the fear of losing the things I love and the people I hold dear to me are going to walk away.
Then I hit that clear and it stuns me that I can bring myself down so fast…I feel even worse. I look at those I love and I can see they possibly think they did something wrong or that I doubt them. Then I realize I still am not seeing things right at all that even though I can think a little better.
After awhile I realize I don’t have to suffer… I don’t have to suffer alone because eventually I let my heart regain itself and allow myself to lean on someone who takes the anxiety away… sometimes I wish it was a little quicker … but I am doing better then I thought and all I can do is try.
That voice called anxiety is still as loud as ever but I try my hardest to shut it down before it gets to bad… before it try’s to rip me apart as it takes me down…
I try my hardest…
The Anxious Girl
We always knew one day, but never knew when
Dear First Love,
We have a history,
We have a history that goes back years and to some may look like a picture with many holes. We have a history that may be considered a flight risk because we were always running away from each other. Yet, we had a history of knowing each other’s fears, worries and needs and wanting to fix them before anybody else did. Always, understanding what the other needed but when it came down to it for some reason we let those holes burn and the distance get wider. After awhile we’d realize that we couldn’t do without and be back for each other, half the time a little to late but that never changed a thing except our ability to learn the word patience.
We were obvious to many and even ourselves but it was the hardest thing to let slip from the tongue cause we both had fears the size of a mountain. Or at least one of us did. The words in an anxious girls head get messy and confusing but for some reason unknown to most she had a guiding light, so to speak, that made the waves calm. Her thoughts became simple and she always knew what she wanted it just was too fear inducing to let herself have it.
We had a history of having an emotional affair that took to much from us but gave us everything we needed. We let ourselves be unhappy because we thought we could keep living the way we were and that in time we’d pause the burning and remind ourselves why we were stupid to run away from each other. Why we were stupid to run away from the painfully obvious outcome we always needed. Why instead of being a bunch of words we needed to be a bunch of actions.
To come to realize that everything was so natural for a reason. That our words were a different kind of fire that couldn’t be put out and hadn’t over twelve years. We had to realize running away wasn’t an option and that to this anxious girl you were the single and most greatest choice I had to make. Or else history would repeat…
We have a history that I don’t regret… so here’s to hoping we continue to have one for many years to come.
The Anxious Girl
We all fall, we all fail, and we all feel
How do you tell the ones you love you are not okay. That every time you smile or laugh it’s all to make them happy, that you don’t want to bring them down so you say “I’m fine.” It’s not that happy feelings don’t occur it’s that the crippling depression suffocates you. To the point where a cartoon you could be on fire but you aren’t freaking out because you’re just so used to these feelings.
But… telling them you aren’t okay is the hardest challenge yet. It hurts and burns to the core because thoughts tell you that you can’t ruin their good day or plans, You’re just being selfish.
Afraid of judgement or harsh words. Afraid they won’t look at you the same.
The Anxious Girl Who’s Burying Her Feelings
Dear Work in Progress,
Over the last ten weeks I have been working hard after each Wednesday appointment… Actually joining in conversation, allowing myself to somewhat relax (even when one of the members is an old school mate).
Yet, as the last session approaches I become nervous, nervous that the little anxious voice will drown out all that I have learned. That my anxiety will become stronger then it was before… and that I’ll ultimately be right back where I started. It scares me.
At the same time I am excited because I have learned new things and have started to make changes in my life that I want. Changes that for once make me feel good and what I should have felt like my whole life (or what I assume my life should have felt like). Even if it’s just the slightest thing such as complimenting myself a bit more and trying to smile a bit more. I feel more accomplished then I ever have. I have never been so happy about change in my life because change used to make me miserable.
I feel more present and aware of my difficulties. Although I am far from riding myself from my anxiety and depression, I feel I am on a path that is healthier and brighter then I have ever lead myself down. I have a better foresight for my triggers and what happens before the symptoms even happen. I have a long way to go but it’s a challenge I want to take on and I am prepared to fall a few times but instead of drowning in the weeds, I’ll float up to the surface for a breath of fresh air.
The Anxious Girl
Thanks to your kindness I’ve learned something
A couple weeks ago I pulled the last 10 dollars out of my savings so I could eat lunch at work. I was feeling down because that’s all I had left, down from the fact that I was still behind from being so sick in December. Then you came up to the line, your face familiar as you were a frequent customer. A gentle local that everyone seemed to know in this small town (and probably did).
You pushed your lunch up to mine and said you got it and of course I said ‘no that’s okay, there’s no need.’ Nevertheless, you bought my lunch and I was ever so grateful that I almost cried from your random kindness.
It wasn’t till later, till after my counselling session that I realized you had showed me something. You made me realize how much trouble I have allowing people to be kind to me. To realize it’s okay to have nice things done for me…It made me realize that I spend way to much time degrading myself and making my thoughts seem so selfish.
People talk about how hard it is to say no to people, but it’s just as hard to say yes too. To say yes to deserving kindness for yourself and not just everyone else. That looking after yourself and accepting nice gestures is not selfish in any shape or forum.
So, thank you stranger for being so kind, for showing me how hard I have been on myself and letting me realize I need to have compassion for myself.
Thank you… truly…
The Anxious Girl
It’s okay, I swear we’ll get through this
For most of my life I have learned how to hate myself. I have learned that I am unworthy of physical goals and achievements… that I am unworthy of the feeling of love, happiness and self love. I have learned that I’m a not worth loving and have no right to be treated with thoughtfulness and respect. All of this was learned from years of physical and emotional abuse, from neglect and mistreatment of peers. For a long time I was taught that this feeling of worthlessness took years and a very broken person. I thought maybe you could be protected from all these feeling because you had a friend like me who knew the pain. You were always filled with such determination that I thought you’d get through life without feeling that.
Of course I recognized that everyone has their moment of worthlessness but never to the pinnacle of truly believing every word or feeling a person sent you of worthlessness. That you deserve such little in life in emotional response and connection.
I never realized how one person could bring such a strong person to their knees. I never thought I’d watch you get excited over a little interaction that shouldn’t be as big of deal, that should be expected between two people. To see that smile in your eye darken to a dullness of dirt. To watch more then one person bring you down by a couple words.
I hope that you can see that you are worth every breath you take. You are a smart educated woman who’s shown the world that you can do anything when you want to. You have the biggest heart, killing yourself to make sure everyone else is okay.
It’s your turn to see that you are worth being loved, being gifted and treated, you are worth all the “I love you’s” and thanks. You are worthy of feeling happiness and YOU are worthy of loving yourself before others. It’s never selfish to love yourself because if you don’t you become a shell of a truly tremendous person.
Self-love is easier to tear apart then build, but I think if we try we can build ourselves back up.
I love you so much and I am so glad to have an amazing friend like you. You have helped me through so much and now it’s my turn to help you through your darkest times.
The Anxious Girl
Dear First Love,
I am glad we were able to stay friends after all these years, I don’t think after 11 years I could picture you out of my life. You have a special place in my heart and I will always care for you. Even when you think you are the worst human being.
To some it confusing in how I could ever call you my first love when we have never dated a single moment. How could I have ever loved someone I hadn’t been with. To be completely cheesy it was kind of a crush at first sight, 12 year old me spotted a cute boy and couldn’t help but hide behind my father. Some how he was always around and our conversation mostly involved me believing every word he spoke only to find it was a joke. Teasing me was always the number one option. Whenever one was single the other wasn’t and I always grew jealous of the women he was with and it didn’t help that everyone could read me so easily. The only thing we could do was grow a friendship.
The memories I have of you the good and the bad will always be kept close. Some of them are hilarious and not gunna a lie half involve alcohol but I mean we were kids.
I won’t lie and say I don’t think about what could have been if decisions had been made differently the summer of 2012. I know you also think about what could have been, but we don’t let that get to us. We support each other and our happiness. Letting each other know if they ever need something that we re a text or call away. Even if we are both evenly terrible at responding.
I’m so happy that you support me and my relationship and wish nothing but the best. You will always remain the first guy to truly steal my heart and I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope we remain friends for a very long time.
The Anxious Girl