Dear Work in Progress,
Over the last ten weeks I have been working hard after each Wednesday appointment… Actually joining in conversation, allowing myself to somewhat relax (even when one of the members is an old school mate).
Yet, as the last session approaches I become nervous, nervous that the little anxious voice will drown out all that I have learned. That my anxiety will become stronger then it was before… and that I’ll ultimately be right back where I started. It scares me.
At the same time I am excited because I have learned new things and have started to make changes in my life that I want. Changes that for once make me feel good and what I should have felt like my whole life (or what I assume my life should have felt like). Even if it’s just the slightest thing such as complimenting myself a bit more and trying to smile a bit more. I feel more accomplished then I ever have. I have never been so happy about change in my life because change used to make me miserable.
I feel more present and aware of my difficulties. Although I am far from riding myself from my anxiety and depression, I feel I am on a path that is healthier and brighter then I have ever lead myself down. I have a better foresight for my triggers and what happens before the symptoms even happen. I have a long way to go but it’s a challenge I want to take on and I am prepared to fall a few times but instead of drowning in the weeds, I’ll float up to the surface for a breath of fresh air.
The Anxious Girl
Thanks to your kindness I’ve learned something
A couple weeks ago I pulled the last 10 dollars out of my savings so I could eat lunch at work. I was feeling down because that’s all I had left, down from the fact that I was still behind from being so sick in December. Then you came up to the line, your face familiar as you were a frequent customer. A gentle local that everyone seemed to know in this small town (and probably did).
You pushed your lunch up to mine and said you got it and of course I said ‘no that’s okay, there’s no need.’ Nevertheless, you bought my lunch and I was ever so grateful that I almost cried from your random kindness.
It wasn’t till later, till after my counselling session that I realized you had showed me something. You made me realize how much trouble I have allowing people to be kind to me. To realize it’s okay to have nice things done for me…It made me realize that I spend way to much time degrading myself and making my thoughts seem so selfish.
People talk about how hard it is to say no to people, but it’s just as hard to say yes too. To say yes to deserving kindness for yourself and not just everyone else. That looking after yourself and accepting nice gestures is not selfish in any shape or forum.
So, thank you stranger for being so kind, for showing me how hard I have been on myself and letting me realize I need to have compassion for myself.
Thank you… truly…
The Anxious Girl
It’s okay, I swear we’ll get through this
For most of my life I have learned how to hate myself. I have learned that I am unworthy of physical goals and achievements… that I am unworthy of the feeling of love, happiness and self love. I have learned that I’m a not worth loving and have no right to be treated with thoughtfulness and respect. All of this was learned from years of physical and emotional abuse, from neglect and mistreatment of peers. For a long time I was taught that this feeling of worthlessness took years and a very broken person. I thought maybe you could be protected from all these feeling because you had a friend like me who knew the pain. You were always filled with such determination that I thought you’d get through life without feeling that.
Of course I recognized that everyone has their moment of worthlessness but never to the pinnacle of truly believing every word or feeling a person sent you of worthlessness. That you deserve such little in life in emotional response and connection.
I never realized how one person could bring such a strong person to their knees. I never thought I’d watch you get excited over a little interaction that shouldn’t be as big of deal, that should be expected between two people. To see that smile in your eye darken to a dullness of dirt. To watch more then one person bring you down by a couple words.
I hope that you can see that you are worth every breath you take. You are a smart educated woman who’s shown the world that you can do anything when you want to. You have the biggest heart, killing yourself to make sure everyone else is okay.
It’s your turn to see that you are worth being loved, being gifted and treated, you are worth all the “I love you’s” and thanks. You are worthy of feeling happiness and YOU are worthy of loving yourself before others. It’s never selfish to love yourself because if you don’t you become a shell of a truly tremendous person.
Self-love is easier to tear apart then build, but I think if we try we can build ourselves back up.
I love you so much and I am so glad to have an amazing friend like you. You have helped me through so much and now it’s my turn to help you through your darkest times.
The Anxious Girl
Dear First Love,
I am glad we were able to stay friends after all these years, I don’t think after 11 years I could picture you out of my life. You have a special place in my heart and I will always care for you. Even when you think you are the worst human being.
To some it confusing in how I could ever call you my first love when we have never dated a single moment. How could I have ever loved someone I hadn’t been with. To be completely cheesy it was kind of a crush at first sight, 12 year old me spotted a cute boy and couldn’t help but hide behind my father. Some how he was always around and our conversation mostly involved me believing every word he spoke only to find it was a joke. Teasing me was always the number one option. Whenever one was single the other wasn’t and I always grew jealous of the women he was with and it didn’t help that everyone could read me so easily. The only thing we could do was grow a friendship.
The memories I have of you the good and the bad will always be kept close. Some of them are hilarious and not gunna a lie half involve alcohol but I mean we were kids.
I won’t lie and say I don’t think about what could have been if decisions had been made differently the summer of 2012. I know you also think about what could have been, but we don’t let that get to us. We support each other and our happiness. Letting each other know if they ever need something that we re a text or call away. Even if we are both evenly terrible at responding.
I’m so happy that you support me and my relationship and wish nothing but the best. You will always remain the first guy to truly steal my heart and I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope we remain friends for a very long time.
The Anxious Girl
You sneak up easily and pin me down with the weight of the world. Drowning me like my anxiety, you look down at me and laugh with the support of anxiety. Just like a fox, sly and able to move like a shadow. Though, foxes have a certain beauty unlike you, you’re just plain ugly.
Prey on me by dragging up old memories or small mistakes I had made and… and making me feel as if it were the worst thing ever. For instance spilling juice could be compared to murder….I know it isn’t worse then murder by. spilling juice but you torture me. You make sleep impossible, you make breathing shaky and fill me with nothing but regret. My nightmares are so vivid of each and every mistake, even worse then random nightmares made by movies and shows.
You make me wake with a start and then that’s all I can see, you’re just as haunting as my anxiety, you linger just like anxiety. The only thing that’s really different from you and anxiety is you have this ability to make my heart feel as if it’s sinking from its spot. Hurting as if it’s being sliced with glass.
I’m hoping if I continue to work on my anxiety I’ll be working on you. I will destroy the sinking feeling and that one day my heart will return to normal. I will look at you not as an enemy but as something I am not. I am not guilty of anything, not everything is my fault. I have made mistakes in my life, but I am human and that doesn’t mean I have to feel guilty over every little detail.
Step by step I will help myself in a positive way and I won’t let you hold me and keep your claws buried in my skin.
I control my life.
The Anxious Girl
I will learn to handle myself
I have felt with you for a very long time and I know you aren’t going to leave my side. I have lived with you, tolerated you, cursed you and tried to ignored you but after the last couple of years I think I’ll finally be able to live along side you.
It took me a long time to realize it was okay to have you but it wasn’t okay that you were starting to control my life. Losing friends, losing grades and effecting my work and ability to go out in public. It wasn’t alright. You were suffocating me. Drowning me in all these small issues and worries that weren’t important… that shouldn’t be a problem. Instead, my heart would quicken; my breathing would hurt and this little voice in my head would taunt me that I was worthless and nobody liked me…. I would amount to nothing in life.
You helped my self-hatred grow to something so enormous that I thought nothing positive. I hadn’t just hit bottom but I was sinking further. I was in my darkest place, a place that I believe I will never see again. A place I know I never want to see again.
As of today I have completed two years of one on one counselling. As of this week begins the beginning of a new frame of mind. I am entering group therapy and as scary as it seems (a room full of anxious people, I think we all feel like running), I am excited to learn how to keep you from controlling me. To live a more positive life but know that I may fall once and awhile but you… you won’t control me.
I knew exactly when you started and I know we’re things will end. I want you to become something that’s under my feet and not above my head. I am excited to see the difference this group therapy will make not only for myself but others.
The Anxious Girl for Now
Sometimes certain relationships are bullshit
The saying goes “blood is thicker then water,” …but that is not alway the case. I’ve long heard people say you have to forgive and love because you’re family… because you share the same blood. They’re all you have in life is bullshit.
Over the years I have learned that who I consider family isn’t necessarily related to me by blood. I have a handful of friends in which I would trust more then some of my family. I can depend on them wherever or whenever and they know they can depend on me. I have had those close friends rush me to the hospital when I was deadly ill or help me with a payment when I was severely struggling. We have been there for each other during the worst in our life such as break ups, losing a loved on or pet and even at our worst with mental health. Where as family would go as far as even avoiding any of my forms of contact. Even avoiding any forms of contact when I just want to talk and see how they’re doing.
Support isn’t the only reason I would consider my friends as family more then actual family. I have had family members steal and rip me off (or my significant other) because they put their needs before others. For instance, lying about checking my car tires first so I could take them to buy cigarettes only to find out the tires are so bad I could of destroyed them or put myself in danger. Stealing an important piece of jewelry and the father blaming me for leaving something out in my own home. Or just down right being nasty and expecting to be continuously supported.
I’ve learned I don’t have to forgive or trust them just because they are my family. If they have done something worse I don’t have to speak to them, I don’t have to continue having them in my life. It’s just like what your parents tell you about friends in school if they’re mean or not right for you, you don’t have to be friends with them.
Just because I share blood doesn’t mean I have to keep negative people in my life. So, blood isn’t always thicker then water.
The Anxious Girl Who Know Who Her Family Is