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An Open Letter to My Rapist

Warning it has some details

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Dear Nightmare,

My mother taught me from a young age to be careful of my actions. To think about situations and know when it is time to utilizes resources to get out of the uncomfortable situations.

My mother and father both taught me that alcohol can be fun, but dangerous. They allowed me to experience my limit without being in danger. They taught me that it was dangerous to drive intoxicated or get in a car with an intoxicated driver. They taught me that there were dangerous people, that there are people who are willing to take advantage of intoxicated young women. I was told to watch my drink, to cover my drink, to never leave my drink even if it was with a friend. Always, to get a new drink when I felt unsure.

Before I was of the age to drink, legal age being 18, I would have drinks with friends at parties. Though, these parties were supervised by parents…. mostly because our parent were all friends. We were safe, never allowed to over drink. I knew when it was time to quit and go to bed. I knew I was still in charge of my own thoughts. I was with people I grew up with and parents whom had been best friends since middle school. I was safe.

When I left for college at the age of 17, I didn’t forget the things they had told me. I was cautious. I thought I was still safe as long as I knew myself. Our college pub allowed people underage, but they were clearly marked and were unable to drink there if caught they were kicked out. It was mostly a place to dance, play pool and for the legal aged kids to drink.

That didn’t stop underage drinking within the residence. Although the school tried… with putting underaged kids in dry buildings, but teenagers will be teenagers. We all still found ways to have fun and alcohol was always a part of that.

Though one night I met you, I had seen you around but I wasn’t interested. You had been interested in dancing with one of my friends who was pretty drunk already. I had a couple drinks as well, but she had the ability to buy drinks being 19. I didn’t see you again that night. Although I don’t remember a whole lot, but I remember something felt wrong and I wanted to go home. I was going to leave the uncomfortable situations.

My roommate said that we left because of how I felt, and I can barely remember asking to leave. Apparently, you had been leaving as well. She remembered you from earlier and you seemed so nice. She told me that I had convinced her it was okay to go hang out with him, but she was tired. You convinced her I would be fine, I apparently smiled and sloppily nodded.

I don’t remember getting to his dorm, I don’t remember laying on his bed, but I do remember the feeling of being somewhat aware, but unable to move. I remember mumbling no as I felt your hand going down my pants. I know I continued to mumble no as my pants were pulled down with my underwear. I remember your mouth between my legs. I finally remember you trying to put yourself in me. I don’t remember why you stopped… or maybe you didn’t. That night there are things I am glad I can’t remember if they did happen but… at the same time what else happened… At some point, my eyes were trying to close and my ability to do anything was completely taken away.

Eventually, I struggled to open my eyes. I struggled to pull my clothes to decency. I collected my stuff and wobbled like I was absolutely trashed. I managed to stumble my way back to my dorm. Once I made it to my room I just remember mumbling and warmth. My roommate had stayed up because she had realized something and didn’t know what to do. She told me I cried.

I woke up the next morning full of dread, I showered with the hottest water I could get, feeling dirty. The more I scrubbed the more I thought I could get rid of the feeling of your hands, lips, tongue and teeth. I had hickeys on my inner thigh reminding me you were there. I blamed myself. I was too drunk. I lead you on. I allowed you to have access to my body. It was my fault I forgot everything my parents taught me in that moment. I was constantly reminded about what little I did remember

From a young age, I had suffered a lot of negative impacts. From there I learned that everything that happened to me was of my own making. My fault. I had yet to realize that everything that happened wasn’t my fault and there were some situations in life that were out of my control.

I blamed myself.

I was too drunk.

I lead you on.

I allowed you to have access to my body.

It was my fault I forgot everything my parents taught me in that moment. I was constantly reminded about what little I did remember by seeing your face on campus. I was scared. It was a secret between my best-friend/ roommate and myself.

I felt disgusted with myself, felt unlovable.

I couldn’t sleep, I could barely focus, but I tried my best to forget about you. To forget about what happen. To forget about us having sex….

It took a long time to realize that wasn’t sex.

It took a long time for my best friend to not rip herself apart blaming herself for allowing me to go. To this day she still apologizes, when we had no idea how to react to a situation we never thought would happen to ourselves.

You had no right to do what you did when I could barely move and when I mumbled no over and over again.

I said No… I remember that clearly

I did not consent.

To this day I still blame myself, I get nervous at bars and become scared of drunk men. I havent even been able to tell my boyfriend of four years the details… In fear that he will look at me differently… Or see me as dirty.

I have yet to open up to my family for I lack the words… Its been almost five years and you…

Still haunt me….

Sincerely,

The Anxious Girl

 

 

 

An Open Letter to No One in Particular

I know it will be a challenge, it always will be

Dear No one in particular,

There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed.

There are days where I can’t close my eyes because all I see is regret.

There are days where I feel empty.

There are days where I feel as though I have not achieved enough for my age

…and there are days where I feel fine.

No Matter how I feel I try my best. Even if my best is getting out of bed and getting dressed. I acknowledge every little achievement and try not to let other expectations drown my own. I remind myself that I need to focus on not worrying about every little detail… even though it can be a challenge.

And… I accept that it can be a challenge, that there will be days where I feel I have failed my friends, my family, and myself. It may seem as though I am a letdown, but I am far from that because I have achieved my goals.

I acknowledge that my goals may be minimal to others, may seem like everyday expectation rather than an individual goal…. “getting dressed is a part of the day, not a goal… you’re just lazy.

But I won’t listen to others, or at least I’ll try.

There will be days where I fail, and give up hope. Until I remember why I am here. That the only person who got me to where I am now is me. I know I will cry, I know I will try to hide and I know I will say I can’t do this anymore… but I am still where I am because of me.

Of course, I have other goals, some are small (attend class) and some are large (apply for my masters). In some way, I still want to achieve them no matter what. No matter how I feel, I will accomplish them.

After many years, I finally realized the only person who should be able to take away achievements or downplay them is myself. I am the only person who can build myself up and achieve what I set out for myself. Not others.

Even if tomorrow I think differently, or become too anxious… I know these words somewhere in my heart are true.

Sincerely,

The Anxious Girl

An Open Letter to Everyone

Love not hate

Dear Everyone,

Today is international womens day.

This is a day of strength, encouragement and love. Support the women in your life, whether it be a mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, cousin, friend or even enemy.

All women have the right to be equal. We are not objects and we are certainly not below anyone.

Many women around the world in the past and present have faught for equality. Caught long and hard for the right to vote, the right to equal education, to equal work between men and women, fighting for reproductive rights like birth control and marching against violence towards women. To this day we are still fighting for these rights among many others.

Just to be seen as equal.

Yet, this day can be shadowed by negative comments and insults… Saying all feminists are man haters, stupid, bitche, slut, etc. When all we want is just to be equal…

Please support the women in your life with love and encouragement.

Love not hate.

Sincerely,

The Anxious Young Woman

An Open Letter to My Grade Six Class

I do not hate you

Dear Grade Six Class

I joined you half way through the school year. I was so nervous and scared about it all. Although I wasn’t new to moving what so ever, I’d lost count how many times I had moved by then.

(I think what made it even scarier was things at home weren’t that great)

I came in hoping that I would possibly make a friend or two. Instead I met the worst people of my life. In that class I learned to hate myself a little more, I learned that I was ugly, weird, unloved, poor begger and a lot more.

I tried my best at dealing with the name calling, the constant laughing, having to hangout on my own. I tried to act like it didn’t bug me, but it broke me down.

I cried myself to sleep a lot.

I think the final straw was when I got the email telling me I should die… My mum was angry that I deleted it. Not worried about me but just mad she couldn’t nail you for something bad. I was just so scared of that email I couldn’t handle it.

The worst was I really thought about it… That night I considered it, I truly considered the possibility that things would be better if I was dead.

I look back at that school year and its just sad that I was only 12 years old…. 12 years old and I wanted to die.

To this day I have my fair share of problems. Though that doesn’t stop me, I take pride that I made it where I am today. Especially, while some of you still struggle to do something with your life.

Sometimes…I have to wonder what you guys were struggling through to have the need to destroy another. I hope that one day you learn from the things you’ve done and become a better person.

I used to aim hatred at you guys, but as I have progressed through life I have learned that there are reasons for everything.

All you need to know is I am okay & I will not die.

Sincerely,

The Anxious Girl

An Open Letter to My Abuser

Not all my issues are because of you, but you did contribute to a lot of other issues

Dear Abuser,

For years I asked myself how you could destroy a little girl’s life? How could you harm such a defenseless little girl?

You made me scared of the world.

You made me believe that I didn’t deserve love.

You destroyed how I perceived myself.

I hated myself. you made me become friends with hatred. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror and I was only a child.

You not only left bruises on my skin but in my mind. I allowed what you did to ruin my ability to make healthy relationships. I became isolated, leaving me with memories of years where I had no friends. I had adults constantly hovering over me wondering if I needed protection, but made me feel like I was in even more trouble. I needed to learn to hide what was going on better. I learned that what was happening was normal and I just needed to deal with it.

Even when you were finally gone I  couldn’t handle someone raising their voice without fearing being dragged to my room or slapped in the head. Every time I made a friend or dated someone I feared I wasn’t good enough. I was so scared of getting in trouble that it stopped me from doing a lot of activities because I associated it with something that was bad. I allowed myself to be treated horribly by others.

I learned that I deserved it, that everything that had happened was my fault.

To this day I still learn things about you and what you did to me. There are questions that my family is left with because we are unsure of everything that had happened. It scares me sometimes to think about the other forms of abuse that could’ve happened along with the physical and emotional abuse. I blocked a lot of what happened out.

I have had so much hatred and sadness built up towards you that it was unhealthy, I almost allowed it to consume my life. To take my life.

So here I return to my questions, how could destroy a little girl’s life? How could you harm such a defenseless little girl? I realized it was because I was the only one weaker than you, the only thing you could control in your life.

I learned that the abuse wasn’t my fault, that I did not deserve to be abused, that I truly deserved love.

Although I can not forgive you, I have to thank you

To this day I still struggle with how I perceive myself… but you have made me stronger. I feel I would not be the same person I am today if I hadn’t experienced those awful things. Then again I could play the what if game for the rest of my life. All I know is going through that horrible abuse has lead me to a path that I am proud of.

If we ever cross paths… I hope you see that I am not afraid of you and you no longer control me.

Sincerely,

The Anxious Girl Who No Longer Fears You

 

 

An Open Letter to My Little Brother

There is a lot more to the story, but in simplistic words, I love you

Dear Brother,

Our relationship is something that balances on a thin line. Due to our parents, to our history, we have very little substance to our relationship. It wasn’t my choice or your choice for it to end up like this. You were born in to a broken family about to implode… Yet that wasn’t even the worst.

I can’t begin to imagine how confused you are at times. You will never hear just one story, but two completely different sides. It’s unfortunate the things you had to endure without choice because you were so young. I can’t say I was innocent in our lack of relationship. I was anxious, I was scared, and avoiding the situation. Which in turn meant I became distant from you.

When I wasn’t at school, I was outside and everywhere else that wasn’t home. There are time I would love to say that it wasn’t that bad and mabe compared to others issues it wasn’t, but I still hold a guilt. I could have been closer, I could have been there for ou more. The thing was I barely knew how to deal with myself, let alone others. To this day I still have trouble with relationships.

Mum, your older brother and I, went though a lot of pain when we torn away from you. We missed you and loved you. When we got you back I was so happy. You may have only been gone for 2 years, but it was longest two year. It started off slow, I still didn’t see much of you because I was constantly gone to my fathers when you were with mum. Then it became harder when I went away to college and now university but over the last two years… I have seen you a lot more.

It means the world to me that you love seeing me, you hug me, laugh at my dramatics and have no problem talking to me. I love you more then you will ever understand. I am so glad that certain things have worked out to allow all of this.

One thing is for sure, I will never let you go again.

Sincerely,

Your Anxious Big Sister Whom Loves You to Death

 

An Old Open Letter to My Poppa

The only gift I could give you were my words

Dear Poppa,
I want to thank you for everything and I couldn’t think of any other way except to write to you.
I can’t even begin to express how much you mean to me, I don’t think there are enough words in the English language to express how much I love you and how blessed I am to have you in my life.

I think back to my earliest memories of kindergarten and there you are. I can’t think of many memories where you aren’t there or at least involved. I remember all the times you bought me medicine when I was sick or took me to the doctors. I remember each pair of shoes you brought me. I remember you always making sure I had clothes. You made sure I always had food, whether it was snacks for lunches or cereal for the morning. I know you played a part in making sure there was always a roof over my head. Poppa, you made sure I had everything I needed, that my basic needs were fulfilled. You even helped out with extras, like school trips, treats and other fun things
I still remember giving you all my Father’s day cards and accepting my art… even if you had no idea what it was. I keep close to my heart all the times you played cards with me and other games. I have so many memories of you and I love them all.
To this day, here you are giving me a place to call home, you gave me a safe place. A place where I never have to fear anything. When everything in my life was horrible I knew I could come to you and grandma and everything would just be alright. You protect me and take care of me. You worry for me and watch me grow. The amount of support you give me, inspires me.
When I had walked across the stage for grade 6, grade 8, grade 12 you were always there. The day I graduated college, you were the first person I thought of that I wanted to be there. You are the first person I want to be there when I finish University. I want nothing more than to make you proud and I love nothing more than seeing how proud you are of me.
I realize now, that the

whole time I was searching for my dad and even know I have my father in my life now. I have always had a father standing behind me, and that’s you poppa. You may not be my real dad, but you always be the strongest father like figure in my life. It’s you that I want standing behind me in support and it’s you I want watching me go through all life’s milestone no matter where you are.
I said it before and I will always say it, I am so blessed to have you in my life and I am so thankful for everything you have provided me with and have done.

All The Love,

Your Anxious Granddaughter