For years I asked myself how you could destroy a little girl’s life? How could you harm such a defenseless little girl?
You made me scared of the world.
You made me believe that I didn’t deserve love.
You destroyed how I perceived myself.
I hated myself. you made me become friends with hatred. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror and I was only a child.
You not only left bruises on my skin but in my mind. I allowed what you did to ruin my ability to make healthy relationships. I became isolated, leaving me with memories of years where I had no friends. I had adults constantly hovering over me wondering if I needed protection, but made me feel like I was in even more trouble. I needed to learn to hide what was going on better. I learned that what was happening was normal and I just needed to deal with it.
Even when you were finally gone I couldn’t handle someone raising their voice without fearing being dragged to my room or slapped in the head. Every time I made a friend or dated someone I feared I wasn’t good enough. I was so scared of getting in trouble that it stopped me from doing a lot of activities because I associated it with something that was bad. I allowed myself to be treated horribly by others.
I learned that I deserved it, that everything that had happened was my fault.
To this day I still learn things about you and what you did to me. There are questions that my family is left with because we are unsure of everything that had happened. It scares me sometimes to think about the other forms of abuse that could’ve happened along with the physical and emotional abuse. I blocked a lot of what happened out.
I have had so much hatred and sadness built up towards you that it was unhealthy, I almost allowed it to consume my life. To take my life.
So here I return to my questions, how could destroy a little girl’s life? How could you harm such a defenseless little girl? I realized it was because I was the only one weaker than you, the only thing you could control in your life.
I learned that the abuse wasn’t my fault, that I did not deserve to be abused, that I truly deserved love.
Although I can not forgive you, I have to thank you…
To this day I still struggle with how I perceive myself… but you have made me stronger. I feel I would not be the same person I am today if I hadn’t experienced those awful things. Then again I could play the what if game for the rest of my life. All I know is going through that horrible abuse has lead me to a path that I am proud of.
If we ever cross paths… I hope you see that I am not afraid of you and you no longer control me.
The Anxious Girl Who No Longer Fears You