There are time I don’t think you realize how heavy your words are. How the simplist phrase weighs down on me. Makes me feel as if I am drowning and will never be found. I know there is positive critisizm and the reality that I am not doing to well at my job is true… But I thought as an employee I should never feel like I was ripped apart. I tried telling you in many ways that I was suffering but that I would do my best at my job.
And I believed I was trying my best with everything I was going through. I felt good that I wasn’t letting my mental health define what I could and could not accomplish. Then as we continued to have our employment review meetings and check in, I started to get confused at whether I should feel good or feel as if I haven’t worked hard enough.
As I struggled with my own personal issues and tried to explain how sorry I was for failing at such simple tasks. I started to put everything I thought I was doing well on the back burner. Spending many restless nights obsessing over what I could’ve done differently. What I was doing wrong. How I was going to lose my job. Shredding myself into pieces and telling myself I wasn’t good enough, I was nothing compared to my team members.
Eventually in another meeting you were done with my excuses… And thats the moment my world split. I had explained certain situations and tried to reach out perviously, but that didn’t matter. You were done listening to my excuses.
I’m not a person to break done in public, or allow other people see how weak I really feel, but that day …. That day I cried. I couldn’t handle it and as I had perviously cried in your office you asked me “have I ruined your day” I said I was okay, but you were blind.
It took my a couple days but my mental health is not an excuse. I am human, I have bad days and I suffer from Anxiety and Depression. I should never feel ashamed or sorry for being who I am. I took this job because I wanted it, because I loved it and still do. I can’t be perfect but I try my fucking hardest. I will not let this destroy me like it almost did. I am a fighter and I am strong because I have survived this long.
You will not sink me….
I am Human …
And my mental health is no an excuse.
The anxious girl trying her best